I blew it!
September 22, 2009It was one of those days, when I acted ugly. Impatient. Pushed to my limits. And irresponsible.
Christian was throwing tantrums all day, for no apparent reasons, at least not to me. I know he has officially turned two, but that’s no excuse for him to flare up all the time. This was one thing that irritated me throughout the day.
On the other side of the house, I had a bath time battle to fight. This was an ongoing battle and so I felt a need to prep the stage before hand. On our way home after picking up Annabelle from school, we had a nice conversation about bath time. Annabelle had agreed to go to bath right away without whining so she could get a reward sticker to redeem a doll that she wanted to buy. Then when it came to bath time, she totally ignored me and continued playing. After more re-negotiating, nagging, threatening, and yelling, there was no progress. And this had sent my attitude teetering on the edge. There was nothing I could do to get a four year old to walk up the stairs and go into the bathroom to take a bath. I was not even asking her to undress or bath herself. I felt so helpless, incapable, and incompetent. I felt totally like a loser.
Urggghhh.
After dinner, I was still trying hard to be a good mom, even though my mind was exhausted. I grabbed some books and sat down on the living room floor, waiting for my lovely children to sit on my lap to have some story reading time. The next thing I heard was water splashing from the bathroom. I knew it was not good. I ran over and saw Christian splashing water all over the place from the sink that was full of water. That was the moment when every nerve in my body suddenly climbed to the surface of my skin and started demanding I should disappear from the earth or my head might explode into a thousand particles of pixy dust. Instead of stopping my son’s wrongful excitement, I left the crime scene and hollered at Ricky, “You need to deal with this mess because I am going to kill myself right now!” Sorry honey, it wasn’t your fault. And I’m still alive. But it seemed like I had waited for this opportunity all day so that I could have someone to yell at and to vent out all my steam.
Seeing each situation as a gift for which to be thankful never entered my mind.
Seeing my children as a gift for which to be thankful never entered my mind.
Seeing the fact that Christian is healthy and able to explore water and to play happily never entered my mind.
Seeing my husband has made it home safely to enjoy dinner after a long day of work never entered my mind.
I just felt frustrated and angry and anything but thankful.
While it may not be wrong for me to feel frustrated, my response to that frustration could have been different…should have been different. I didn’t have to act ugly and become a slave to my circumstances. I could have replaced my graceless and irresponsible words and actions with this saying that I have heard before, “If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it’s still a pretty good day.”
Boy does this statement put things into perspective. How many times do I need to learn this lesson? I guess it’s an everyday way to do a little heart check up. The Bible tells us that we should intentionally make our minds think of things that are good, true, excellent, and praiseworthy. The more I think about things like these, the more my perspective seems to stay in check. In Colossians 3:15 we are instructed to, “Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts… and be thankful.” Verse 16 goes on to say that we should also, “Let the word of God dwell in us richly…” Finally, verse 17 says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…”
Letting the peace of Christ rule in my heart and letting the Word of God dwell in me richly doesn’t just happen naturally. I have to intentionally make those choices. And I have to challenge myself to deal with the bad while focusing on all the good that is there as well.
This is a book I bought last month and thought I would need it to prepare for times like this. Obviously, I have not finished reading,
but after last night, I think should spend more time reading it.
joni: Iris, you are doing great. We've all had days like this. It's all part of the growing and learning process. It amazes me that God would entrust the life of a little one in my hands, when I am so immature (although I think of myself as mature) myself. That's why parenting is so hard, it exposes all our flaws, that could have been hidden and never brought to light--after all, we are grown up enough to have kids...who would think there was more work to be done inside us. Kids stretch us out, sometimes push us to the brink...how will we react, what will we do.... and, it seems that when we finally learn how to deal with one thing, something new comes up. You are doing great, even if it may not feel like it... One thing I've learned along the way is to not use too much verbal before I take action. Just one or two requests. If they don't comply, you need to act. Either physically pick them up and move them to what you want them to do, or give a consequence. don't exhaust yourself by trying to change their little minds :O)
iris: I'm feeling a lot better today. Thanks for your encouragement and advices, joni.
Elsa: although i'm reading this 2 weeks later.. i'll remember what you share @ fellowship last time during prayer time and will continue to pray for you. No worries, God will not give you anything you cannot handle!